At 12:62 P.M. Pacific Time on Tuesday, the Virtual Reality Department of the United States Government (Trump’s new agency replacing the EPA) announced the long-awaited arrival of the Donald Trump Alternate Reality game. The game, which began production just a couple of weeks ago, was inspired by Kellyanne Conway’s proclamation during an interview on Meet the Press of the existence of alternate facts. Following the interview, President Trump immediately redirected taxpayer money to create a user-friendly simulation of the alternate world that the Donald and his Administration experience every day.
Costing $762, but discounted for anyone with an annual income above $1,950,000, Trump declares the game “the best game—the ideal gift for all working-class Americans.” Despite the fact that the game is produced in China, the Trump Administration states that it has created over two million new jobs in the United States.
Ever since its release, critics have been raving about the game. Notfakenews.com declared it “biglier than Hillary’s eight million unreleased emails,” while the Southern Alt-Right White Chronicle called it “the greatest game since God created the world in 1776.” Even foreign critics have praised Donald Trump Alternate Reality. In a press conference, Vladimir Putin declared the teachings of the game, “the best thing since the President I chose… excuse me, the President elected by the American People.”
But, putting aside all of the raving reviews of Donald Trump Alternate Reality, one must understand all its unique features in order to truly appreciate its design and practical teachings. Using a virtual reality headset, the user gets to experience the privilege of a lifetime: to see the world through the eyes of the Donald.
The game’s key feature is the Alternate Facts Engine. The player can use kid-friendly sliders to easily change any numbers from their real values! From the number of people at your inauguration to your own networth, you can simply raise or lower the value at your own convenience.
photo courtesy of Gage Skidman
Not only can you can establish alternate facts within Donald’s reality, you can also ignore them. Bright red warning lights appear at the top of the screen when you are about to hear or read something you do not want to. You can click the “block” button in the toolbar of your screen, and all facts, from climate change to the number of people insured under the Affordable Care Act to the amount of terrorist attacks in the U.S. committed by refugees, are blocked. Just like that!
Similarly, Donald Trump Alternate Reality also comes equipped with an automatic muting function. Voices from women, African Americans, immigrants, Muslims, and virtually all other minority group are automatically muted. And don’t worry about intelligence agencies—they are blocked too!
Further, the game has a daily checklist of every minority group to help players follow rule 27. Rule 27 of Donald Trump Alternate Reality states that each day, a player must offend every minority group at least once. Offend them all in just one tweet? The game awards you bonus points!
The game also features kid-friendly mini-games, such as Tax Return Hide and Seek and Putin Telephone (which is just your daily chat with the Russian Government). It also comes with American Jenga, in which you pull apart American Democracy piece by piece until the whole thing collapses.
Looking for something a little more fast-paced? Try Hot Wheels 2017: The Executive Orders Edition. In this game, your cabinet slides you executive orders on little hot wheels cars, and you have to sign them as quickly as possible before the next car comes. Being the President, you obviously do not have to read the orders, so each order comes with a single word, and a frowny or smiley face. For example, the suspension of refugees and immigrants from seven Muslim-dominant countries features the word “Muslim” coupled with a big, red, frowny face. Like all of the mini-games, it is simple, fun, and easily understood.
The most popular mini-game is Ring-Around-the Question. In this game, you get to replay the Presidential debates through Donald’s eyes. The questions, of course, are irrelevant to your answers, so the game automatically mutes them for you. Instead, you are given a few simple catch phrases you are able to use in response to every question. They include (but are not limited to) “because of Obamacare…”, “Muslims”, “immigrants”, “wrong”, “the wall,” and “Hillary Clinton’s 22,000 emails.” Of course, the mini-game would not be complete without its key feature, the Alternate Facts An unpresidented step in the field of virtual unreality… Engine. You are provided fun and creative alternate facts to use, from Muslims celebrating in the U.S. after 9/11, to the handily fabricated Bowling Green Massacre.
Featuring fun mini-games and easily-understood features, Donald Trump Alternate Reality is truly an unpresidented step in the field of virtual unreality. Of course, liberal elites (unsurprisingly) directed some jabs at Donald’s production. The overrated Meryl Streep called it, “quite appalling.” While the New Yuck Timez said the game was “not a valid alternative to the Affordable Care Act,” the G.O.P. has irrefutably stated that it is.
Hillary Clinton, one of the many losers of the 2016 Presidential Race, called Trump’s world of alternate reality deplorable. But of course, using his record-breaking IQ and exceptionally large hands, Trump immediately fought back. He reminded Clinton that his alternate reality was “the real America.”
With the minimal exception of over half the country, not to mention the fake news organizations CMM and the New Yuck Timez, everyone is in agreement: Donald Trump Alternate Reality, playable by rich white people of all ages, is well on its way to making America great again.
