Three weeks ago, we athletes watched the biggest sports game of the year, that big big bowl. As we leaned back in our La-Z Boy recliners, we contemplated the very meaning of sports. Merriam-Webster defines “sports” as “a source of diversion.” In my opinion, though, the definition is much more selective and subjective. So raise your Tostitos and grab some guac, because I’m going to tell you what is and isn’t a sport.
Curling seems like a cruel prank. Obviously, the entire sport was created when somebody tricked a group of Canadians to clean up their ice rink. Since the invention of the Zamboni, curling has become obsolete. However, I continue to recognize curling as a sport, because honestly Canada needs a W. With not a single Canadian team making the NHL playoffs last year, and with shifting geopolitical relations leaving Canada with the short end of the stick on international issues and trade deals, at least they can be proud to have twice as many Olympic gold medals in curling as anyone else.
Sepak Takraw is a Lick must. We’re honestly missing out by not having a team. What is it? I hear you plead. Imagine volleyball, but the net is two feet lower. Oh, and you’re not allowed to use your hands. One obstacle to implementing this sport at Lick is that one must be able to do a standing backflip to kick the ball over the net, which I don’t remember being in the BME curriculum. But champions find a way.
UFC: Humans have received too much attention in professional fighting. In my opinion, we should open up the sport to more species, like roosters. We eat them every day in the Caf, so the least we can do is include them in our competition. Oh wait, that’s cockfighting.
Shot Put? Uh, you mean one-quarter of baseball? If I wanted to watch somebody uneventfully toss a ball 25 meters, I’d go and try out for the Mets. The world record for shot put is 23.1 meters. Yeah, that sounds like a good time, watching somebody huck a lump of metal across half the foyer over and over. If you win during the ‘lympos, you should receive a quarter of a medal.
Squash is for people who like tennis, but also enjoy intense claustrophobia. Few sports can boast a championship in which competitors battle in a glass box for an hour for all to see, but we’ve all had practice in the Caf lunch line. Also, you know it’s not a serious sport if when researching, you have to put “sport” after your query to avoid veggie photos.
Like my college counselor always says, the SAT is a marathon. In my book, if you can survive a five-hour test without falling unconscious or bursting into tears, you’re an athlete of the highest caliber. Plus, Lick’s competitive culture around standardized testing rivals any Olympic event.
Nascar is perfect for anybody who likes watching fast, stressful traffic for four hours: in short, driving the CA-17. Sure, you get to watch peak physical performance, but I prefer to see a human’s peak, not a car’s.
The sport Skeleton is named after the Finnish word Sckëletøn, which roughly translates to “assisted suicide.” It’s not so much a “sport” as much as “falling down a snowy cliff while holding a small piece of plastic.”
Tiddlywinks holds the prestigious title one of the few sports endorsed by Shaun Lopez. For just a taste of Tiddlywink lexicon, you could try for the impressive John Lennon memorial air shot to baseline squop or boondock a squopped wink, but instead piddle brunch a backstop wink pile with a blunt squidger.
Drag hunting is not what I originally thought. Unfortunately, it’s not a blasé RuPaul on horseback with a rifle in one hand and a martini in the other. It’s just a bunch of Englishmen on horses following a manmade trail of fox urine around a running track. Cool.
Quidditch? Really? I get it, you like Harry Potter, but at some point, you have to grow up. You think you’re a wizard, but to everyone else you’re the weirdo in the park running around on your broom holding a dodgeball. The only magic is how, in a flash, you lose the respect of anyone previously considered a friend.
LARPing, on the other hand, is the best, most mature sport ever. Trust me, I know from personal experience. Whacking people with foam swords in the park while pretending to be a wizard is nothing if not attractive and popular. Yup, that’s how I got to be so cool.
