The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
On December 1, Reuben Hamsworth ’24 arrived in the cafeteria at Lick-Wilmerding High School to find that his pre-ordered sandwich, a pesto-turkey-bacon combo served on Dutch Crunch bread, was missing. For a brief but incalculably dangerous period of time, Hamsworth’s soul was ignited by the vindictive flames of hangryness.
This sandwich theft was no accident, and it was no isolated instance. A December 6 report released by the Ciabatterson Institute for Breaducation found that sandwich thefts at LWHS have risen 60% this semester. Alongside this report, the San Francisco Police Department (SFPD) announced Sunday that they had discovered a shadowy, enigmatic crime ring behind a string of sandwich thefts at LWHS. The SFPD-appointed overseer for this case is Ineda Clu, a detective who has apprehended several notorious food criminals, including the PB&J Pilferer, the Cereal Killer and even the Donut Desperado.
“This isn’t like the Hamburglar or mere seagulls at Fisherman’s Wharf,” said Clu. “This is far more insidious and organized.” She suspects that the crime ring is a decentralized network of unsavory individuals who, upon realizing that they’ve forgotten to order their own sandwiches, selfishly descend on other students’ sandwiches like a group of BLT-thirsty vultures.
Meanwhile, the LWHS administration issued a statement declaring that the crime of sandwich theft was unforgivable and that henceforth, perpetrators who are apprehended will not be eligible for LWHS’ restorative justice practices.
Community members note that certain steps can be taken to make one’s sandwich less desirable for the thieves. Salamiel McLayers ’26 reported that adding pungent onions into his sandwich order has been an effective deterrent. “When they see O-N-I-O-N spelled out on my sandwich order, it’s game over—BOOM,” said McLayers. “They can already smell the pungent, bad-breath-inducing odor overwhelming their olfactory system, and they move on to some other poor student’s sandwich. Then I grab my sandwich, remove the onions, douse it in blue Listerine to get rid of the stench and I’m all set.”
At press time, SFPD announced that they would be deploying YouTuber Mark Rober’s infamous Glitter Bombs inside of select sandwich bags as a form of theft deterrence.
