Satire: Geminis and Virgos Unite to Fight NASA’s Astrological Sign Shift

On November 8th, thousands crowded around the entrance of the Johnson Space Center in Houston to protest NASA’s revamp of the astrological signs. NASA’s decision, prompted by a recent scientific analysis of the star charts, adjusted the dates of each astrological sign by about a month and also added a 13th sign, Ophiuchus, to accommodate a newly recognized formation of the stars.

NASA has found that after thousands of years, the earth’s axis has shifted, changing the relationship between the earth and the constellations in the sky. Because of this shift, the astrological signs need to be adjusted in order to match the current configurations. The science may now be more accurate, but astrology-lovers are not happy about switching their horoscopes.

The Earth’s shift caused a change in constellations, disturbing the traditional astrology patterns.
painting by Roma Edwards.

In response to the change, thousands protested outside of NASA’s Johnson Space Center in Houston, blocking employees from entering the building. Adam Berman, an engineer currently working on the 2020 Mars Exploration Program, found the protest quite amusing. “It’s funny because I didn’t even know NASA switched the signs. Johnson is at the center for human spaceflight. Whatever this astrology thing is, we had nothing to do with it.”

The protest was sponsored by Outdoor Voices, a popular athletic wear brand, as well as the Swedish backpack company Fjallraven Kanken as well as Costar, the astrology app sweeping the nation. In addition to traditional chants, the protest had poster-making sessions, a guided sunrise yoga session and a performance from Lana del Ray.

Crystal Green, one of the protest’s organizers, explained the community’s unrest. “People attach their astrological signs to their identities, so when NASA changes the signs, they discredit each and every person’s individuality. We’re sending a clear message to NASA by protesting. This isn’t okay.” Protestors’ signs reflected Green’s opinions. As people lined the streets leading up to the space center, common slogans on posters were “Soul Before Science” and “My Identity is Written in the Stars.”

Molly Walker, one of the leaders of the yoga session, has a very personal reason for protesting against NASA. “I spent so long accepting the fact that I’m a Scorpio. Now that I have fully come into my given identity, NASA is robbing it from me by telling me that I am actually a Libra. I don’t care about science, I need to protect my cosmic self actualization!”

Many protestors traveled great distances to attend. Julian Chapman, from Los Angeles, feels the pressure that the change brings. “I’m a Leo, and my girlfriend is a Gemini. If we’re not astrologically compatible anymore, she might break up with me! Where am I supposed to live then?” Chapman, a trainer at Equinox gym, has been a follower of astrology since his sophomore year at Haverford. He and his girlfriend moved in together one month after meeting at a CorePower yoga class, and their romantic compatibility has been the basis of their relationship. “I love her, but if we’re not an astrological match, I don’t know, things might change. We would have to start over.”

At sundown, as the demonstration wrapped up, many protestors headed to their cars with a long journey home ahead of them. Green, from Austin, Texas, has a long drive to reflect on the protest she helped lead. NASA will not be reverting the signs, but she still thinks the protest was a success. “Ultimately, the science behind astrology can’t change me. I am secure in my identity, and I hope that the rest of the community felt that empowerment today.”

Anna Hochman
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    • Anna Hochman

      Anna Hochman is the co-Editor-in-Chief of the Paper Tiger. A senior at LWHS, she joined the newspaper staff last year. In her free time, she enjoys playing field hockey, listening to music, and spending time with family and friends.

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    Anna Hochman

    Anna Hochman is the co-Editor-in-Chief of the Paper Tiger. A senior at LWHS, she joined the newspaper staff last year. In her free time, she enjoys playing field hockey, listening to music, and spending time with family and friends.