The string ensemble swells as Pomp and Circumstance fills the auditorium. You stroll uniformly into your row and seats based on last name. You wait with your peers until your name is called, an announcement to the world that you have finished high school. And with your name called, you walk across a stage, in view of all your classmates, their friends and family, as well as your own. You are a waning high school senior.
Then, with the shake of a hand and a flash of a picture, you’re all of a sudden not. That’s it. You’re done. You’ll never be a high school student again. Your four years of hard work, of friendship, and of lasting memories have culminated in this moment.
It may feel like the end of your childhood, but you better believe that you’re gonna look fresh in your culminating moments walking across that stage
So, what to wear for the big day? A big decision indeed. Let’s start with headwear. Certainly many students will be getting a fresh cut before graduation. Perhaps a mullet? Maybe a retro bouffant with odiferous amounts of hairspray? Maybe just shave it all off to symbolize a fresh start. Gloss it and wax it to really make it shine.
Regardless of how extravagant or beautiful your hairstyle is, however, it will only have a second of stardom when those caps are tossed in the air. For the rest of graduation, unfortunately, it will remain hidden underneath a stark black square fitted to a skull cap for a whale.
How this hat became a tradition is unclear. It seems like such a strange and arbitrary custom to wear a square on the back of one’s head when finishing their education. The cap doesn’t protect one’s face from the sun or one’s ears from the wind.
Maybe the first ever graduates were just feeling silly and quirky, “Look at us we’re so unique because we’re educated that we wear square hats.” Or the black square hats might have been intended to absorb heat to keep those big smart valuable brains warm. Or maybe were a shield to protect from dinosaur attacks. Or maybe it was just one last big “fuck-you” from the universities, here after spending four years paying us exorbitant amounts of money to learn random and arbitrary things, buy and wear this hat that has no purpose whatsoever.
Enough lighthearted cynicism. Because dinosaurs went extinct roughly 20 years ago and global warming already keeps our squishy brains toasty, the hats are more of a decorative accessory now.
And personalizing this accessory has become almost as customary as wearing the cap itself. Many students decorate their caps with some graphic or lettering symbolizing their post-graduate plans — such as colleges. Accordingly, the college decision process is important solely because of the ramifications for decorating one’s graduation headwear; four years of education pales in comparison to the proper color coordination on one’s cap.
Aside from the cap, graduation accessorizing is fundamental to a good fit. Wearing lots of bling and jewelry really shows a love and appreciation of education; a 40 inch gold and diamond chain announces to all the friends and family watching “look at me! I’m special! I’m going to be a varsity rower at USC! Or was it sailing? What did we say again, Mom?”
And isn’t that what we all want for graduation? To shine in the culminating moment of our self-constructed egoic narratives because we are, we MUST be special. Well, those JOSTENS emails aren’t going to stop coming. So you might as well spend your $443 or three installments of $147 for that gold sapphire engraving ring with a big Lick Tiger on the side. Definitely a worthwhile purchase.
In 20 years, if you somehow haven’t thrown the ring away, you could proudly display your ring in a case, because surely you won’t be wearing it, to feel like some pseudo-sports champion. Certainly, Tom Brady displays his Junipero Serra High School graduating ring alongside his six Superbowl rings. Equal accomplishments, as he probably cheated on his high school math tests to graduate too.”
The second most important part of any outfit is always the shoes, which show uncovered by any mandatory graduation attire. Heels or dress shoes seem like the most common choice. But maybe you want to stay mobile, dodging and weaving through crowds, evading those hugs from aunts you’ve never met, and just keeping it comfortable. If this is you, maybe some running shoes would be the shoe of choice. Add a bit of neon in there just to really make sure you’re visible up on stage.
Perhaps you want to rock basketball shoes to show that you played JV basketball sophomore year—so you’re really about that hoop life. Or maybe you just like the look of Jordans. You might want to show off your athletic accomplishments on the field by wearing cleats, that’ll really let you walk away from high school leaving your mark on stage.
But you don’t even have to wear shoes at all. If you recently had a pedicure and want to let it shine, barefoot might just be the call (though some in the audience might appreciate this choice more than others).
Or perhaps, even though you’re graduating high school, you internally never graduated elementary school. If this is the case, then maybe some light-up Skechers. Or even better, maybe some Heelys so you can smoothly glide across stage to snag that diploma. There are plenty of footwear options out there. All that matters is that you pick what feels right to you and that they aren’t Vans.
Your choice of shirt, top, pants, tie, suit, skirt, dress or anything else doesn’t really matter too much. What really matters is what you wear over that. Maybe you could wear a black gown. Or if you’re feeling rebellious you might want to wear a black gown. Or if you really loved your high school and learned a lot, you could also wear a black gown. There is a lot of variety and choice about whether to look like a nun, a sith lord, or Judge Judy.
In the end this choice, along with all your other outfit selections, will be rendered meaningless because everyone will be wearing the same thing: a bright colored hazmat suit with a full face respirator mask. That is, if graduation even happens.
